The ebb and flow of life. We all deal with it. We all have trials and tribulations. It’s part of our journey here. Some days, I’m engulfed in the undertow, my feet being sucked down into the muck and the mud. On these days, it’s hard to see the sunshine on the surface of the water. I’ve been dealing with some personal issues and think I’m beginning to see the light.
Our winter has been uncommonly wet. Until this last bit of dry weather, the weatherman said that we’ve only had, at most, 5 consecutive days of no rain, for months now. Grey and gloomy skies. Having no sun really can make a difference!
I know when my depression rears it’s ugly head. I’ve battled the beast long enough to know it’s M.O. Although not an easy thing to do, I went to my doctor and had an honest discussion with her about how I’ve been feeling. Reaching out for help is the hardest part of battling depression. But I know I have to. I’m very lucky to have a doctor that I adore. She’s wonderful. The type of person I would like to be friends with. Even with this knowledge, depression is a sneaky bastard. It took me more than a month to set the appointment.
On the day of my appointment, while sitting in the waiting room, I almost bolted for the door. It’s hard to describe. But it’s like I’m have a battle, an argument with this…. being. I KNOW what I SHOULD do, but the beast will argue with me, justify its actions and what usually happens is… nothing. Depression can paralyze you. You continue to put off getting help. You don’t tell anyone how you’re feeling. You isolate yourself to avoid uncomfortable situations. So it’s even easier for the beast to dig its heels in and really mess with your head. You isolate yourself more, becoming more depressed. The more depressed you become, the more you isolate yourself. Even KNOWING all of the ugly beast’s tricks, I still fall for them.
I feel better just having been able to Voice my concerns with someone. I know I’m not out of the deep end yet, but there is hope. I’m swimming toward that sunshine on the surface above me and it’s getting closer.
Copyright (C) 2020 Penny Wilson
*If you or someone you love is struggling with depression or other mental health issues, I invite you to look over my Mental Health Help Page which can be found HERE. On this page, you will find several links on ways to get help.
Thank you for joining me on this journey. ❤ Penny
*I’ve written about depression and Mental Illness previously. I continue to speak out about this to help overcome the stigma attached to it. No One Is Immune. Please read. You may just save a life.
There was a time when getting out of bed and facing the day, was my biggest challenge. The effort it took to get dressed and go to work every day was a huge struggle. All I wanted to do was to sleep because when you sleep, you don’t have to face anyone. You don’t have to deal with anyone or anything.
Most days, to cope, you put on your mask to hide the pain you’re going through, and you step out the front door to face the day. You go through the motions that you must to survive. You work, you cook, you eat, you bathe. But that’s ALL you are doing. Surviving.
Depression does that.