I’m happy. I don’t really know why, but I feel really good. My life is going well and I’m just… happy!
Maybe it seems strange to you that I would talk about happiness this way, but I am so grateful for the happy days that I have to express it.
I’ve talked before about depression and the effects it’s had on my life at different times. I never know when it will strike again. And the bitch about depression is the fact that you don’t know that it’s happening to you until it’s got you by the throat.
You wake up one day, look around you and wonder how your world has become so dark, bleak and unforgiving. You know you have many blessings and many good things/people in your life. But the depression robs you of the ability to find joy in these things.
The joy you once found in music, or writing, or singing, playing the bongos, or anything else that gave pleasure is gone.
Depression creeps in and wedges into the little cracks and crannies of your life until it’s a full blown Dragon sitting on your chest.
The other thing that depression can do is make you immobile. I don’t mean that you suddenly can’t walk. What I mean is that the day to day things that used to be so easy are now mountainous to you.
The simple act of washing those few dishes in the sink, or taking that load of laundry out of the dryer, are acts that are just too hard to deal with at the moment.
Just existing is difficult.
You stop interacting with other people and you isolate yourself. Dealing with others is again, just too difficult. When you are in a full on assault from depression, you put on a brave face, so people don’t see.
Then you isolate yourself even more.
It becomes a terrible cycle. The more you isolate yourself, the worse your depression becomes. The worse your depression becomes, the more you isolate yourself.
People who have never experienced this don’t understand it.
Then one day, you’re looking out the window and suddenly the colors are more vibrant, like someone lifted the film from the window so that you have a clear view. You WANT to go for a walk, or wash the car, or visit family. Out of the blue you realize that you’re singing along with the radio. One day you’re sitting at the keyboard and realize that you’re WRITING again!
And just like that, you’ve made it through. The depression has passed. Maybe you had a change in medication, maybe you’ve had a change in your life, or maybe you just rode the wave. Whatever it is, it’s gone.
Will it be back? Will the dragons come creeping in the night to hide under my bed, waiting for their chance? I don’t know.
I DO know that today, I am happy and for that I’m grateful!